hell or glory i don't want anything in between

“nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.”-Heywood Broun

i can’t seem to figure out what i want to live for. i know what i love to do (music, drawing, writing, acting). but i’m so scared of trying to pursue any of those skills just to find out that i’m either (a) no good at them in the long run or (b) it was never meant to be my calling and i wasted a lot of time because i never paid attention to what i was supposed to be doing to make a difference in the world.

i believe that everything happens for a reason. even if it happens just for entertainment. there’s no such thing as coincidence. i believe there is a god. i believe god has a plan for each and every one of his creations. lately my problem is trying to figure out why he and i have such trouble communicating. how am i supposed to know what my calling is if i’m not told by the ultimate creator? that’s where my faith starts to falter. i believe in god. but i don’t necessarily believe that there’s a specific code of conduct everyone has to follow in order to find favor with him and/or have a fulfilled life. i can’t believe that because so many good people have screwed up their lives and made all the wrong choices just become revolutionary in the world with christ and bringing people to believe. so if some drug addict who’s committed countless crimes (sins and just plain stupidity with a side of ignorance), can get turned around so ultimately in the end, then what is God waiting for where i’m concerned?

no i haven’t completely given my life over to him. i’ve tried many times, but i have control issues and it never lasts. i’m stubborn. i’ve been through a lot of crap. many things have made me question if god is really the only god, the only way, and the only life. but if there’s even the slightest chance that hell exists, i do NOT want to go there. i believe there is a god. i’ve been through too much to ignore that fact in my life. but does that really mean that something as simple as not fully committing to a “godly” life is going to keep me out of heaven? i want to do the right thing. i want i want to be a good person. but sometimes i just want to say screw it all and embrace the voice in the back of my head who tells me to do the specific sins in the bible just to say i did. i want to experience everything or else i’m going to always wonder if i could be happier doing the things i held myself back from.

so what to do now.

well, i’ve found in the past that when i feel myself drifting, i just need to be a little more strict with the self-discipline to keep myself from having an irreparable damaging event at some point in my life. so an opportunity in the self-discipline department has presented itself in the form of a 21 day fast. it’s called the daniel fast and it started at sun down today. for 21 days, until sundown February 1st, i will be eating as a vegan. nothing that came from any animal in any form with enter this mouth until sundown. oh and i can’t have anything with sugar in it either. that’s just the diet. you’re also supposed to fast the things you are either addicted to or in love with for those twenty-one days as well. so i’m fasting men. i will not think of, nor flirt, nor touch in any non-plutonic way any man. i will not be crushing. i will not even give them a secondary glance. i will talk to those who i absolutely have to talk to (my boss, my dad, the guys i work with, my dad’s co-workers at church) but other than that, i will be blind to the opposite sex.

here goes nothing…

goodbye to you

goodbye to everything

i thought i knew

[Via http://that1girl.wordpress.com]

...in the beginning

I was going to be a rock-star.

Instead I became a chef.

How did this happen?

It was easy. I started washing dishes at the local pub restaurant so I could save money to get some time in the recording studio. It wasn’t long before my lazy, uncooperative and perpetually stoned band-mates were superseded by the foul-mouthed, psychopathic and perpetually entertaining cast of characters that dwelled inside that kitchen.

It was a world that was a strange and tasty mash of Peter Pan’s Lost Boys and Hook’s Pirate Crew. There was so much sex, drugs, alcohol, profanity and mayhem oozing from every corner it was a wonder that any food was cooked at all.

I was home.

A friend told me that there was a job going so I rang the number. I was transferred from the bar to the kitchen after being told to ask for ‘Matt’.

“Kitchen, Natalie speaking.”

“Good afternoon, I was wondering if I could speak to Chef Matt.”

“About?”

“About a possible trial for the kitchen hand position.”

“MATT! PHONE! DISHPIG!”

Muffled silence.

“Yo! Matt speaking.”

“Good afternoon, my name is ******* ****, I was ringing about the kitchen hand position…”

“Right. It’s simple. You come in. You work your arse off. It’s shit and it’s nasty but you get to go home and not think about it after. Best job in the world.

“Ok, Woul…”

“Just don’t WASTE MY FUCKING TIME! Seriously. If you don’t want to work nights, fuck off. If you don’t want to work weekends, fuck off. If you’re going to whine that it’s hot and smelly and damp and you never see your girlfriend/mates/mum/fucking dog/cat gay lover/priest or Jesus or fucking WHATEVER, then fuck off. How’s that sound?

“Sounds good to me Chef. When can I come in for a trial?”

“Fuck. I need you tonight. How soon can you get here?”

[Via http://culinarycoalface.wordpress.com]

The Downward Spiral of Winehouse.

[Via http://melissadesa.wordpress.com]

Here he comes for his final disgrace

[ As Mike Ramos cleans the house that this man helped to build, we suspect that his expressed interest in running again is little more than an advance defense against an investigation of him.  Follow Stout at the iePolitics blog.  The military- and prison-industrial complexes of this nation brought us 9/11, the hate of the world and the violation of our own people and their families.  Dennis Stout is their shill in San Bernardino County.  Don't let him rape us again. ]

SAN BERNARDINO – Former district attorney Dennis Stout says he’s ‘committed’ to winning back his old job.

Stout is determined to root out government corruption…

“During eight years that I was district attorney, we prosecuted over fifty major corruption cases. By the time I completed my second term, corruption in San Bernardino County was pretty much under control. But, during the last seven years, it has reared its ugly head again.”

Stout did not seek re-election in 2002 and was replaced by Mike Ramos.

Stout expects to make a formal campaign announcement within two weeks. (INT)

Story Date: January 6, 2010

[Via http://bbvm.wordpress.com]

Wife of slain El Monte civic leader didn't think drug war would touch her family

[ When you live in a democratic society, you are equally responsible for the crimes you allow your "po-po" to commit.  This is not innocence.  Stop the drug war. ]

Betzy Salcedo cited an old Mexican saying: He who doesn’t owe anything has nothing to fear. She always figured that people who had nothing to do with drug trafficking would not be targets in the country they loved.

The wife of Agustin Roberto “Bobby” Salcedo, the El Monte civic leader abducted and killed in Durango, Mexico, during a vacation with her, talked to The Times’s Mexico City Bureau chief Tracy Wilkinson about what happened.

“We were just going out with a group of friends,” Betzy Salcedo said, speaking slowly and casting her eyes downward. “You are careful, you look around, but you never think this kind of thing can happen … to innocent people. We were having a good time. Then we were in the mouth of the wolf.”

Hours later, Bobby Salcedo was dead, hauled away from the bar with five other men, their bodies dumped in a dried-grass field on the outskirts of town.

Arrangements were being made Saturday to repatriate Salcedo’s body. The 33-year-old, who was born and raised in the Los Angeles area, was an assistant principal and school board member in El Monte.

His slaying underscores the random volatility of the violence in Mexico and the ease with which the pain it causes can seep past the country’s borders.

Read Tracy Wilkinson’s full story here.

[Via http://bbvm.wordpress.com]

Stoned (stonehedge) T-shirt

STONED Men’s Black by gritfx

Make your custom tshirt at zazzle

There have been many theories expounded regarding the purpose for the structure known as Stonehenge. By far the most outlandish came from Trevor McDonnell, a former hemp farmer, marine biologist and failed inventor. McDonnell claimed to have found ancient manuscripts detailing the rituals conducted at Stonehenge by extraterrestrials. Bringing with them a massive hookah pipe, the alien entities would levitate in a circle within the stone structure and get high. Needless to say, McDonnell’s theory was never taken seriously, yet some years after his death, the manuscripts were examined by ‘experts’ and determined authentic.

[Via http://randomfunnytees.wordpress.com]

Determined To Find A Life In 2010

Let me see.  That gives me ten years to find a new life.  One might ask what is wrong with the one I have?  What is not wrong would be a better question.  My son has been a drug user since his high school days.  I had him in and out of drug rehabs until I understood that he only learned about a new drug in there.  Yep, just as soon as he was out, he was on to trying the latest drug that he learned about in rehab.

My front door has revolved with him in and out of it for years.  He would find a way to get inside after I had said no a hundred times.  Mom, I just need a place to stay for a couple of days.  That would turn into a few weeks.  After that length of time, I would be stark raving crazy and would put his things out and change the locks.  The last time he wanted to come live with me, he had a baby daughter with him.  His girl friend wasn’t stable enough to care for her.  He thought he was.  I ended up taking care of the precious baby.  Then one day he came home after being out with her for a weekend and told me that he was using again and needed help.  Help?  Right.  How many times had I heard that?

I called DHR (Children Services) and took the child and sent his butt to the curb.  No.  I will not listen to I need your help any longer.  Long story short, he doesn’t have the child and neither do I.  As long as she was in my care, he came and went around here as he pleased.  I couldn’t take it.  Why?  I don’t like him.  Why should I?  All I have to do to be reminded of my life with him is to raise a photo on any wall in my home to see the hole that he put their with his fist.  Yes, I kept those holes for a reason.  I could have patched them but they serve a better purpose by not being patched.

Now the child is living with her mother’s grandmother.  The mom lives with them.  The good thing  is a grandfather is involved.  He makes her toe the line.  She can go to work but when she is home in his house, she has to take care of the baby.  Good for a strong-minded man.  I visited her last week.  She seemed happy.  We played and danced and sang Barney songs on the porch.  I know in my heart that I will not be allowed to come and go in her life.  That family will not let me.  Oh, did I mention that my son doesn’t know it the child is his?  Hopefully, that will come up in court before too long.

I also had a person scam me into staying with me for a month while he waited on his bank account to be transferred and credit cards to arrive.  Right.  They never arrived.  I kicked him out too.  A shame that he wasn’t a good guy because he was a great cook and loved to help wash the dishes.  Other than that, he was worthless.  Hey, I am just telling it like it is.

So, I am interested in getting my head on straight because it seems to have SUCKER written across it.  I wonder if I could get it off with some good strong detergent or if I will need plastic surgery?  Hey, maybe some of that makeup for people with scars will help until I can figure out what is wrong with me in the shrink’s office.

Happy New year folks.  I am on my way to a better life in two-thousand-ten.  Goodness gracious but that is weird in print.

[Via http://sassysweetbren.wordpress.com]