Let me start off by saying that I adore my family; they allow me to speak my mind and make my own choices without having to worry about judgments, cynicism or being blacklisted from attending any family event ever again like my cousin Joe. They are also very much like me and when we join forces, the combined kookiness makes for a ridiculously entertaining time and Thanksgiving was no exception; I just wish I could remember everything that happened. I am going to write this like a journal entry from Into the Wild because for one, it is easier to organize the blur of events that I managed to retain and also, because no one should have survived.
Day 1: Meet the Sister
I had to work today, but the excitement over seeing my sister Ashley and meeting my step-sis Maggie for the first time got me through the day. We are headed out on a road trip to Montana tomorrow to visit the family and I hope we all get along; otherwise that 7 hour drive is going to be more difficult than getting Tiger Woods’ wife to put down the 9 iron and use her anger management skills. I know that there will be plenty of booze and weed to get us through the holiday though, so pretty much it is going to be at minimum an interesting trip. Aside from not being able to find Maggie at the airport because neither Ashley nor I knew what she looked like, things went pretty smoothly. We came home and played drinking games all night while I informed Maggie of the embarrassing stories that I knew about her brother, as we used to be a couple (Yes, I know this is weird; imagine my apprehension at meeting my ex’s sister who is now my legal step-sister after I wasn’t exactly “Fiancé of the Year” to her brother. If you are confused as to how we are related, just watch an episode of Maury Povich or Jerry Springer; that should clear things right up.)
Day 2: Road Trip
I woke up this morning to Maggie’s arms and legs wrapped around me in a bear hug…either she’s already really comfortable around me, or she is a flaming incestuous lesbian who likes to keep it in the family. I’ve decided to be optimistic and assume that she just likes me in a normal sisterly way. Don’t get me wrong; she’s really hot, but I think it’s a law of human nature that you are allowed to fuck only one of your siblings, and I’ve already done that. I guess Marie Osmond didn’t get the memo.
Despite my raging headache that was inspired by my sisters’ sophisticated taste for cheap beer, I was ready to go and party with the rest of the family. After struggling to pile 24 cans of beer, 6 pieces of luggage, 3 sisters, an unruly Labrador and a partridge in a pear tree into my SUV, we were off. By 7:15pm, we arrived at our destination; Ashley and Maggie were drunk and I was baked (I am adamantly against drinking and driving; cops can easily smell liquor on you and test for it…weed and pills are much safer. Oh, and because it is dangerous. Duh.) As soon as I walked into the door, Dad handed me a joint and welcomed us home while Mom ran upstairs to get her new invention; a tincture. I had no idea what a tincture was, but I knew it would be good if Mom had a hand in making it…turns out it is a combination of everclear and THC oil that you drop under your tongue for an instant high. Don’t worry about commenting on how awesome my parents are; I am already aware of the fact. We did go out, but I honestly cannot remember anything about it. I guess that tincture really does work, Ma!
Day 3: Thanksgiving
I woke up at 8:00am this morning and took a long hot shower…it was the only moment of sobriety that I had today. After getting dressed, I intended to go to the kitchen and aid in the creation of Thanksgiving dinner, but first I needed to smoke a bowl. Somehow, this led to 10:00am at the local watering hole with Ashley. I am not 100% sure on how it happened, but I think that it involved getting apples and milk…only I mistook the bar for the grocery store and replaced the apples and milk with car bombs and whiskey cokes.
This scenario is shockingly similar to last Thanksgiving, only this time Ashley and I were at a regular bar instead of Dancin’ Bare. Hey, I had never been to an all-nude strip club before and was curious about how they could justify selling a can of Pepsi for $8.00…and now I know why. Sorry for leaving Thanksgiving dinner for another pussy, Grandma! I just used the words “Grandma” and “pussy” in the same sentence; I’m going to Hell for sure.
Back to our day; we went outside to smoke a cigarette and bam! All of a sudden we are talking to Shaggy Too Dope from Insane Clown Posse about his woman, who recently broke his shoulder with an axe handle. Yeah I know; totally random, but totally true. After getting wasted and texting all of our friends about our famous encounter, Ashley and I left the bar at about 2:30pm and headed home. When we arrived, we found that Mom was almost finished with dinner and we were ravenous. I smoked another bowl to tie me over until it was ready. At 3:00, we had our grand Thanksgiving dinner. I’m pretty confident in my observation that everyone was on the same level of intoxication at that point.
Oh, and Mom thought it would be funny to put two lemons in each turkey breast and convince us that it had huge nipples. This was the greatest thing that I have ever seen and I totally believed it at first. Ashley, on other hand, wasn’t so amazed and told us that her friend had gotten some turkey tits last year too and that it was normal. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Ashley doesn’t catch on to things too easily.
The meal must have been energizing, because only one hour after wolfing it down I found myself back at the bar with the entire family. I do not recollect what transpired between then and 2:00am, but I do know that I started the night with $100 in cash and it was gone by the end of it. That may not seem like a lot of money, but when you are at a hick bar in Montana where drinks are $2.50 and you look better than most of the sheep in the area, you shouldn’t be spending more than $20; it is safe to say that I was wasted. By 2:30am, Ashley and I had lost Maggie and were at an after party with some dude that I determined was the love of my life because he a) adored that I had all of my teeth and b) knew the basics of quantum physics. I know very little about quantum physics, but apparently it is the key to my heart.
After some self-reflection and determining that I was sticking to my recent resolution to abstain from uncommitted sexual relations, I called it quits at 4:30am and went home with Ashley. At 4:37am, I found myself eating a second Thanksgiving meal. At 5:29am, I found myself puking it up.
Day 4: Brownies
At 8:30am, I woke up to Mom trying to peel me from the hallway floor, which is where I decided to pass out last night after puking up enough to feed a small country. At least I was smart enough to sprawl out on a rug instead of sleeping on the wood planks. Seeing as how it had only been 3 hours since I crawled there in the first place, I decided to smoke a bowl and find an actual bed for additional sleep. Don’t judge me; Thanksgiving is the designated holiday for being grateful, spending time with your family and getting as fucked up as possible because you don’t have any responsibilities for a whole day. They should rename it Thanksgluttony.
It couldn’t have been more than 20 minutes later when my nap was interrupted by the sound of a truck heading up our driveway. Then I heard Maggie scream, “Jared!” and I knew that sleep was not in my future. Jared is my awesome step-brother, but not the one that I was engaged to. Don’t get me wrong; the other one is awesome too but I tend to favor Jared, as he has never painfully ripped my heart into a million irreconcilable pieces and although I appreciate the life lessons that Jack taught me, Jared and I just have more fun together. Maggie and I have been begging him to come for Thanksgiving for days but he decided to hold out and surprise us. As soon as he showed up, the levy (or instinct for survival) that was restricting the flow of alcohol and weed broke and it was Thanksgiving Day all over again. Mom cooked him up a plate of leftovers and I declared that the goal of my day was to make delicious and intoxicating brownies. I followed the recipe for the most part, only I increased the amount of cannabis butter by 50% and added a shot of Mom’s tincture. I am pretty sure that the words “I have never been this high in my life” came out of my mouth at least 4 times this week, and I think that they were true each time I said it.
So, we ate brownies, smoked, drank some wine and headed out. By nightfall, Ashley and I were talking outside of the bar when I noticed movement in the window next to us and turned to investigate it. What was it, you ask? It was Mom; She was licking the window. No, seriously, she was licking the window…I couldn’t make this shit up. I think that at this point, Mom had never been that high in her life either.
There were so many funny things that happened that night and I just don’t remember any of them. I did end up tapping out before midnight and went home to eat more Thanksgiving dinner, which I later fought valiantly to resist throwing up. Either something is wrong with Mom’s stuffing, or I am drinking way too much.
Day 5: Wha?
My thoughts this morning: vacation is almost over and it’s so sad. The fall leaves that once whispered my name are turning into the chilly breeze of winter and…huh? What’s this? Where did I get a gram of coke?! Well shit, I guess I should start drinking again!
Fast forward to 11pm; I’m at a bar and feeling really witty and articulate while talking to an old friend, despite the 4 or 5 Jack and Cokes swimming in my tummy. Ashley is next to me and she’s trying to take it slow by drinking only beer. Since she hadn’t had any tequila and I was feeling sober, our night seemed pretty innocent. Well, it was innocent, until Ashley had one too many beers. See below.
Day 6: The Shed
I didn’t sleep until 6:00 this morning because of that damn blow and woke up at 8:30 to a text from Ashley that said, “I’m on my way home now!” After reading it, I looked over and realized that she wasn’t in the bed with me. Shit. Ashley may be 32, but sometimes she needs help making good decisions and I had let her down. Turns out, she went home with the cook from my old job that we were drinking with. Well, the use of the word “home” isn’t really accurate in this case, considering the fact that he literally lives in a storage shed and has no plumbing, heat or water. I guess I shouldn’t judge it though; home is where the heart is. And my sister’s vagina too, apparently. I wonder if she had to shit in a bucket.
Maggie showed up eventually to eat, and her shirt was soaking wet. Dad made a comment about her breasts leaking beer and we laughed. At this point we are brain dead and everything is making me laugh hard enough to piss myself.
Day 7: Survival
I can’t believe that I am still alive. Furthermore, I can’t believe that I am successfully driving 7 hours after having so little sleep and killing so many brain cells. The dog just puked in the car and it smells like a dead body. Fuck it, I don’t care.
There are so many additional things that happened this week, but TLC made me sign an agreement for our upcoming reality show that won’t allow me to divulge the details, and since TLC doesn’t give a fuck about you, innocent children or anyone else for that matter, I have to leave them out. Sorry!
Out of everything that happened this week, the only thing that has actually struck me as odd is that while I was intoxicated and uninhibited, I had at least 4 chances to get laid and the only slutty thing I did was kiss someone on the mouth with no tongue…and I could easily blame that on the sexiness of quantum physics. Go me!
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