i can’t seem to figure out what i want to live for. i know what i love to do (music, drawing, writing, acting). but i’m so scared of trying to pursue any of those skills just to find out that i’m either (a) no good at them in the long run or (b) it was never meant to be my calling and i wasted a lot of time because i never paid attention to what i was supposed to be doing to make a difference in the world.
i believe that everything happens for a reason. even if it happens just for entertainment. there’s no such thing as coincidence. i believe there is a god. i believe god has a plan for each and every one of his creations. lately my problem is trying to figure out why he and i have such trouble communicating. how am i supposed to know what my calling is if i’m not told by the ultimate creator? that’s where my faith starts to falter. i believe in god. but i don’t necessarily believe that there’s a specific code of conduct everyone has to follow in order to find favor with him and/or have a fulfilled life. i can’t believe that because so many good people have screwed up their lives and made all the wrong choices just become revolutionary in the world with christ and bringing people to believe. so if some drug addict who’s committed countless crimes (sins and just plain stupidity with a side of ignorance), can get turned around so ultimately in the end, then what is God waiting for where i’m concerned?
no i haven’t completely given my life over to him. i’ve tried many times, but i have control issues and it never lasts. i’m stubborn. i’ve been through a lot of crap. many things have made me question if god is really the only god, the only way, and the only life. but if there’s even the slightest chance that hell exists, i do NOT want to go there. i believe there is a god. i’ve been through too much to ignore that fact in my life. but does that really mean that something as simple as not fully committing to a “godly” life is going to keep me out of heaven? i want to do the right thing. i want i want to be a good person. but sometimes i just want to say screw it all and embrace the voice in the back of my head who tells me to do the specific sins in the bible just to say i did. i want to experience everything or else i’m going to always wonder if i could be happier doing the things i held myself back from.
so what to do now.
well, i’ve found in the past that when i feel myself drifting, i just need to be a little more strict with the self-discipline to keep myself from having an irreparable damaging event at some point in my life. so an opportunity in the self-discipline department has presented itself in the form of a 21 day fast. it’s called the daniel fast and it started at sun down today. for 21 days, until sundown February 1st, i will be eating as a vegan. nothing that came from any animal in any form with enter this mouth until sundown. oh and i can’t have anything with sugar in it either. that’s just the diet. you’re also supposed to fast the things you are either addicted to or in love with for those twenty-one days as well. so i’m fasting men. i will not think of, nor flirt, nor touch in any non-plutonic way any man. i will not be crushing. i will not even give them a secondary glance. i will talk to those who i absolutely have to talk to (my boss, my dad, the guys i work with, my dad’s co-workers at church) but other than that, i will be blind to the opposite sex.
here goes nothing…
goodbye to you
goodbye to everything
i thought i knew
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