My mom had agreed to watch my kids when I went inpatient. I was very clear that there was one rule: She must not watch them at her house where my abuser still lives.
I called her today with the date I was going in. She told me she couldn’t watch them at my house.
I told her I was not going to put them at risk leaving them there.
“You don’t trust me to watch your kids” she said, sounding hurt.
I wasn’t playing that game.
“No,” I told her, “It’s not you, it’s him. I don’t want my kids around a pedofile”.
Then it came.
“I don’t believe all you say about the abuse,” she told me.
She believes the one time, when I was 19 and told her right afterward.
“I think your therapists are putting ideas in your head” she told me.
I explained how not true that statement was, but I’m positive she heard none of it.
I am so angry right now.
Upset, disappointed, sad;
but mostly angry.
My entire life has been about not upsetting her.
“She can’t handle it. She needs me. She needs me to be good; to be there for her” I would tell myself.
He even used that. He used it, saying if I told it would hurt her. And she wouldn’t believe me anyway.
Turns out he was right.
After tomorrow, when we have something planned together, I won’t be talking to her for a while.
She will get upset, but that’s fine. She can get mad. I’M MAD!
I should have seen it coming.
It didn’t fit that the “Queen of Denial” (as my old therapist, Robin, often called her) would believe me as easily as she seemed to. As she pretended to.
She did blame it on the alcohol. Said he wouldn’t have done it otherwise. Truly believes that.
It fits much better that the “Queen of Denial” wouldn’t come out of her denial for this as well.
This is the same woman who, days ago when I told her I don’t carry a bank card because I know I’ll use [drugs], told me “You should have one. I don’t think you’d use”.
If the former addict says she’d use, I’m pretty sure she’d know best. You don’t tell a former addict to take LESS precautions than they believe they should take.
The Queen of Denial does not believe that her husband abused me more than that one time.
That fits better.
I should have expected it.
…It still hurts.
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